A Right Jolly Old Elf

Twas the night before Christmas, at the old Carson house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (thanks to Arnold).

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

And this year a new one was hung carefully there.

Anthony was nestled all snug in his bed,
Parents squinting at his video monitor, their eyes beady red.
And mamma in her ‘jammies, and I in my sweats,
Hoping that more than three hours of sleep we would 'ketch.

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
Could it be a delivery of more eBay-bought toys?
Away to the bathroom I flew in a hurry,
With fan blowing loudly to silence my worry.

A light in the kitchen, had I left the 'fridge open?
I stumbled there groggily, my brain barely copin' .
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a big guy in red, eyeing all of our beer.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his boots,
Was this some wayward neighbor, some loony old coot?
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
Was he a stray UPS man, all loaded on Jack?

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
Of all the Three Stooges, I always liked Larry!
He ogled our cookie plate, grinning with glee,
Lit by the fishtank, as green as the sea.

The stump of a stogie held tight in his teeth,
The guy was enormous, a real side of beef.
He had a broad face and was shaped like a piano,
I thought for a moment he was Tony Soprano!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
If I hadn't left cookies, I'd have felt like a jerk.
Stuffing cookies and pizza deep into his robes,
He gave me a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, overflowing his pockets,
And away they all flew like a space program rocket.
But I heard him exclaim, as he hurtled from sight,
"Happy Christmas, you Carsons, and to all a good-night!"